Monogamy’s Secret Flaw
Monogamous lovers are entitled to use a special word when their sexual relationship is exclusive. If, however, their relationship becomes sexless, they are no longer monogamous.
Think about it. If a couple’s sex dies, they are no longer in a monogamous relationship. They’re not having sex at all — not with their partner or anyone. It’s another way a couple can find themselves on the road to non-monogamy.
It’s a hard concept to accept at first. Monogamy and faithful are words so intrinsically connected to each other that they are often mistaken of having similar meanings. They don’t. It’s possible to be faithful AND non-monogamous at the same time by living, say, in a sexless marriage. If one spouse wants to play and the other doesn’t, then both can’t play the game. Monogamy evaporates. They’ve entered into a non-monogamous lifestyle via a hidden back door. They’re not cheating on each other, but they’re definitely not monogamous.
Few people see such a connection. They’re busy coping with complex emotions to look for it. But if they were to take a significant step back from the marriage, the new perspective will show it for what it is — a shocking truth when it finally comes into focus.
Even if one half of the couple can view it this way, there’s a significant hill yet to climb. It still takes both of them for the whole of the couple to accept it before they can work on changing things for the better. One thing is sure. Things won’t improve if both individuals aren’t on the same page.
I remember what relationship counsellor Tony Brindell said about sex and marriage:
“The one who wants less sex, controls sex. They have their foot on a brake, and it’s up to them to let go of it and select when and how much sex is available to the partnership.”
I never believed him, not right away. Samantha’s eyes just glazed over. Both of us were silenced. We couldn’t grasp those obscurely arranged words. When he said we were no longer monogamous, my ears didn’t want to listen anymore. To me, non-monogamy was about open-marriages, swinging and cheating. I never thought our marriage was on the very same list — but it was. We were no longer monogamous.
Cheating wasn’t my preference. It still isn’t. Sam simply doesn’t want to know. Tony explained himself well. I get him now, but Sam doesn’t want to hear those kinds of words, much less agree with the man she trusted to fix the problems.
As for me, lies wouldn’t need to exist if monogamy isn’t revered as it is. There would be no reason to split truths for one idealistic life and another for a secret other. But it does exist, and monogamy is real enough to its believers. It’s the fairy tale centrepiece to many relationships. I wish it was centrepiece to ours — but we are a non-monogamous couple.
…More in SEETHINGS
Originally published at https://michaelformanevil.substack.com.