Open Letter to My Spouse About My Planned Affair

The following letter outlines how I feel about our situation.

I’m just being practical about this. I’ve accepted our marriage for what it is and adapted accordingly. Here’s how I see things at the moment:

• Our marriage is sexless.
• People change.
• Fairytales are for children.
• I can’t change you back.
• Who I am matters.

Sexlessness shouldn’t just be MY problem. It’s actually OUR problem. It’s become part of MY life because of YOU. I believed in monogamy, and I trusted you. I trusted you to be my sexual equal for life, but you changed. You have led me to a situation of forced celibacy, and I don’t like it! I don’t want it!

To hell with you and your insane control over my sex life. It’s going to stop here and now! I’m done waiting! We’ve had enough counselling sessions to know that counselling won’t fix it. I supported you and your damn well-worn excuses:

• Too tired.
• Too busy.
• Visitors in the house.
• Neighbours will hear us.
• Too sick.
• Taking a break.

Taking a break?

How can you take a break from something you never do?

I never saw what you did to me as abuse. No one would agree with me anyway. That means I’m on my own when I say you have hurt me, and I can’t stand it anymore. I’m suffering, and you’ve hurt me a lot.

What I said to you the other night came out of pure frustration. I asked for a change of my own. Yes, it was a radical suggestion, but that’s how desperate I’ve become. I never thought I’d speak those words either. I asked to open up our relationship. You were horrified. That’s your right to be offended. I get that. It’s also my right to live without suffering. I respect your decision, but I also respect mine. With or without your permission, that pain will go away tonight.

I have a date with someone special. I plan to have wild, unbridled sex, and I’m going to allow myself to enjoy it. I’m also trying hard not to say: “It’s YOUR fault”, but it’s so difficult.

I want to remain calm and sensible by keeping you out of the equation. This is about me and my needs, not you and whatever you have. I want you completely out of my head for a night. I don’t want to feel guilty; I just want sexual freedom. Fourteen years of no’s has taken its toll. It changes a person. I’ve had to change with you. And I didn’t agree to some of it. I would never agree to that.

I’m nervous and excited about tonight. I’m not even sure I’ll know what to do. It’s been so long. I guess I’ll figure it out when I get there. It’s not like you didn’t know this was coming. I tried and tried to tell you. Consciously or subconsciously, you want this to happen. It’s destiny, and I’m just going through the motions.

I love you, but I don’t think I’ll send this letter to you after all.

Originally published at https://michaelformanwriting.com on May 5, 2024.